Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Crowding Me

Cancer is crowding me and it has been most ugly here. Been in hospital three days. Pain now at home. More to come. Cancer is having a choke hold on me, but I won’t cry uncle any sooner than I have too.
I want all of you blogger friends to know I am still trying to read but it is hard. I can’t comment much either. Know that I am still out here trying and I am still following you best I can.

Peaches were damaged in the spring and not many this year. The season will be short and expensive. On the way home from the hospital we stopped at a stand humming with people buying what was available which were these gorgeous soft ball sized fruits! We bought enough to share. I can’t do much for my friends, but I can share a delicious and beautiful fruit. So much fun to share! I so wish I could send you readers a peach in this blog but next best thing is my friend’ picture!

 In days to come I probably won’t be able to write much, but I have decided to post a few poems along. If I repeat, forgive me. Leaving my writing is one the most painful goodbyes. I can toss out certain things, give away my treasures, etc. but I can’t stand the thoughts of my words and images being destroyed. Friends, you must keep them for me! Thanks!

Saturday, June 24, 2017

A Mini Road Trip, Trying to Be Normal

The last couple of weeks have been harder for me. Knowing the cancer spreads is a burden. But nurse came on Tuesday and said everything she could check was in good shape. She advised if I had any energy at all to get out somewhere. Since we had canceled the New Mexico trip, we opted to try a local drive as a getaway. I found a 58 mile Ozark scenic drive and called for Biscuit an overnight at the Kennel. Pretending life was normal, we drove out.

We hadn’t been to Harrison, Arkansas or Buffalo River in years. Using a state tourism guide we did the Jasper Disaster Trail with over 300 curves. It wasn’t a disaster for us, but it was a disappointment. We saw the Buffalo River only once from a bridge, there were no pull outs or overlooks. The scenery might have been great had we been able to see through the thick trees! Also, we missed seeing any of the numerous elk due to the heat and time of day.

 However, the wildflowers were impressive and the newly cut hay sweet smelling. The Queen Anne’s Lace fluttered like a lady’s lace handy. Delicate blue chicory dotted ditches, and black-eyed wild daisies were abundant. There were lots of black walnut trees, both new and old. I saw some Ohio buckeye trees I had never seen before. Also, the further south we wound, the more the mimosa trees appeared, their pink gauzy flowers looked like fairy tutus hung out to dry.

However, the wildflowers were impressive. The Queen Anne’s Lace fluttered like a lady’s lace handy. Delicate blue chicory dotted ditches, and black-eyed wild daisies were abundant. There were lots of black walnut trees, both new and old. I saw some Ohio buckeye trees I had never seen before. Also, the further south we wound, the more the mimosa trees appeared, their pink gauzy flowers looks like fairy tutus hung out to dry.
We stopped for lunch at a café on the National Historic Register. It was not a particularly impressive building. Lunch was downhome cooking and tasted okay, but I eat downhome cooking all the time at home so I am less impressed than some folks. Poor folks, not unlike many eateries, can’t make a decent glass of tea though. It is so hard for me to pay $2 for a glass of poor tea!

So, we wound our way back out of the Ozarks, got dangerously low on gas, came out west of where we expected to be. Got on a major highway and as we are apt to do, missed our exit! We found ourselves not only west of destination but in the state of Oklahoma. We tried to find a motel, which in the area was not so easy. But found a bed and I crawled into it! Crackers and water for supper and while I usually don’t sleep well in a motel, this time I was out for 12 hours!

The next morning after a tasteless motel breakfast, we got on the road and headed to Muscogee for a museum listed on our map. This corner of Oklahoma is still in the Ozarks. There are trees and streams and rolling hills, but gone were the close stands of trees that pinned you to the road. Oklahoma opens up a bit here and begins to move towards western terrain. The land spreads and sky sweeps.  

The Five Civilized Tribes Museum is very small but interesting. It is the building itself that carries the charm. This native stone structure was built in 1875 when the Five Tribes superintendent consolidated to serve all the tribes here. It is beautiful. The rock steps where ladies dismounted from wagons is still there. You could feel history here.


This was an interesting piece of work. Note how many flat irons could be heated on this stove all at once. Originally it was in a Chinese Laundry and then was used at the Eufaula Seminary Boarding school near Muskogee, Oklahoma.

Then we made an effort to find Miss Scarlett’s Tea Room about 40 miles away. We managed and again the structure was impressive. The food was good and presentation nice. There was a piano player for lunch which was quite nice to hear while we ate.

Then it was time to head home as I had done about all I could do. Once on i44 again, traffic became increasingly treacherous. Drivers were aggressive, careless, and mean-spirited. We were glad to arrive home in one piece!


Sunday, June 11, 2017

A Good June Sunday

Finally, I can write here again. It has been a slightly miserable session around here. I hate to give in to the monster ravishing my insides and fight to stay up, both physically and mentally. Some days I lose the battle, but today I am working on being up. That doesn’t mean I am energetic or full of zip or free from aches and body failures. It just means I am able to push through, to keep trying, to keep pretending life is normal!

Today I managed to cook and run the dishwasher which doesn’t sound like much. However, for me it is a push and a slow going at best. I made a pea salad and a lovely zucchini salad with vinegary bite! I also made Golden Burros. This is a made-up recipe that the SEK Living Magazine is going to publish soon. Years ago, when we were in Leadville, Colorado we had huge Golden Burros that a café was famous for. The boys loved them, and it was different at that time to us as we had little Hispanic food around us.  What made them a little different was potatoes inside along with meat and cheese. I am sure now they used green chili but I knew nothing of that then. So, I concocted a mix of canned chicken gravy with salsa, used mild sausage and hash browns. Today I made them for first time in years since boys left home. They are mild but good.

I also created a birthday card for a photographer friend; he will turn 70. I wanted a card no one else could send and built a birthday wish around cameras and such. I wrote my own poem quickly for it. (He dabbled in poetry at one time.) It feels good to design a project and carry it through right now when most things only happen in my head.

The Photographer

Hides his searching face behind a black box

While, like a winter squirrel digging secreted nuts,

he uncovers our buried selves in a frame.


He brings to light our dark fears and blue dreams,

Eposes even a rainbow of ourselves we don’t know exists.



He saves our past, captures our present,

stores the bits and pieces of our life’s crazy quilt

for the future to wonder over.


Other events this week have been a biopsy and Biscuit had to be sewn up from ripping herself on a fence nail-we think. After the family reunion which really tired me and before the biopsy, I did not need this.  We put a tee shirt on her to keep her from licking the stitches and she did not like it one bit. Changed her personality which was a worry. She did not eat or play and barely moved. But when we took it off she got rowdy and tore a stitch! Oh my, each day wore me slick!

Yesterday, Diane Yates had a book signing a few miles from me. Diane is president of OWL right now and is a lovely person besides a talented author. (Have you tried her Pathways of the Heart?) It was a push to get there but I wanted just a few minutes, and DH left his important shop toys to run me to the book store. So, worth it as being in Diane’s serene presence is soothing! Surely that helped make today better too!

The week ahead holds Biscuit’s stitches removal, dentist appointment, and I hope some lovely reading and thinking and writing days even! The air heats up and is becoming summer so time outside is limited for me. But I do love being among the flowers early in the morning-with tea of course. The world can’t be all bad if there is tea!

Friday, June 2, 2017

And June Begins....

So, it looks like a few more days of on and off rain before the weather turns HOT! No moderation it seems. The weather, no matter what kind of stimulus, is in climate change. Mother Nature is acting like a two-year-old with some happy days but a lot of sniffling around with some out and out temper tantrums.

While I try avoid political ranting, I don’t say much on this country’s present situation. But yesterday when our president backed out of Climate Change group, I hung my head not in anger but shame. How can we take this ignorant stand, how not to work with the world? No matter what I or anyone thinks, it is time for the Republicans and Democrats to meet on the 50-yard line, shake hands, and say let’s forget the past. We all have made mistakes. Let’s drop the stiff-necked bully stance and work together. After all it doesn’t matter how the hole got in the bottom of the boat, when it sinks everyone in the boat goes down!

I have written a blog in my head many times this last week, but just could not do the actually writing online. I have not felt well, both physically and emotionally. This whole mountain I am climbing and slipping on is getting to me! But I try not to complain because I have so many people cheering me upward. I feel obligated to keep climbing to vindicate their faith!! The prayers, thoughts, cards, notes, and gifts keep coming as physical handholds for me up the rocky cancer crag.

Just yesterday someone paid for our lunch downtown and left us free of a bill. Just an effort to say, “We are with you.”  This week alone I have received a new cup and a quilt, see below.

Wednesday, I had contrasting CT scan. Thought Springfield was going to send me home again as they did not like my kidney numbers. Big discussion and they proceeded. Now biopsy already set again for next Wednesday. I feel like a yo-yo spinning and retracting, only to spin yet again.

Yesterday was my book club and I made it. It was a push but so glad I did. It was the month of choosing the next year’s reads. It was grand for a while anyway to be deeply involved in something outside myself. We had a tremendous list to choose from this time and the end reading list looks good. Some I have already read.

One of the best books lately has been Killers of the Flower Moon about the murders of Osage Indians in Oklahoma during the 1920s and the beginnings of the FBI. It is not a happy book at all, but it was so interesting to me. It happened during the years my Granny was a teen and young woman. Although not Osage, she lived a couple of hours east of Osage County and well, no wonder she cut up her Indian card not wanting to be Red. It will blow you away how many White people were involved in killing these people for their oil money. Stupidity, greed, and meanness are not new; sometimes we forget how much of it all has been around and hurt so many. We need to KNOW these things so we can avoid the same behavior instead of repeating it!

Tomorrow some California cousins are coming to visit before Sunday’s family reunion. Another one I have not seen for over 50 years. This too is a gift. Hope all blog readers have a winning weekend ahead!

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Hair Tales #2

Originally published in anthology of Southeastern Kansas stories....

I was stunned one summer day in the 1950s when my dad came home looking like a stranger. He had gone by the barber shop after work. Instead his wavy dark hair combed back from his forehead, he sported a new flat top haircut. I thought he had ruined his hair, turning  his once soft locks into stubble that looked like a curry comb for a horse. I had to search his face for days to make sure he was the right daddy.

It was all the more strange because Mom and Dad had issues over hair-hers. He never wanted her to cut her hair short, but in Kansas summers before air conditioning, she chopped her hair short to endure the sweat of cooking, cleaning, and childrearing.  Every summer, she would go to the beauty shop and come home with a fresh bob. Dad would sneer and make some snide comment about her trading curls for summer hair, and she would snip back with a barbed reply making the air tense for a few days.

So it was only natural that I wanted long hair to keep the peace which wasn’t exactly how it worked. When my hair got very long, my mom brushed way too hard saying she had to get the “rats” out. When she tired of the job or my whining, she would tromp me to the beauty shop for a Buster Brown cut. How I hated those! I did not like getting or wearing them either one. Sitting still while the lady cut my bangs was torture; feeling the snips of hair dust my eyelashes and nose was worse. Mother wanted those bangs straight as a bobby pin across my forehead, and it often took a several tries to get them right.

In grade school, I convinced Mom to let me have a Toni home permanent. That was hours of smelly, painful business, but I could endure the suffering if she would take the time. She would roll those tiny plastic perm curlers so tight my scalp felt like a trapper had staked a hide out to dry. Then there was that stinky solution that stole my breath under the towel protecting my eyes from certain blindness. Once timed, then neutralized, then rolled into pin curls all over my head, dried, and finally combed out into a bushel of curls, we both were exhausted.

In high school I got say over my own hair. It was the 60’s and straight hair was in. Keeping ends trimmed was the challenge unless you had natural curls. Then you ironed your hair…or slept with cans on your head! I don’t know who first learned that empty orange juice cans from the frozen food section could be rolled with wet hair, but once it dried, hair was straightened with just a little flip on the ends. No head in cans would go under the plastic cap of hair dryers of those days, so a night’s sleep for drying was the only solution. I use the term sleep loosely as cans on your head could hurt, not to mention the angle they put your neck in for the night. Ah, but suffering for beauty’s sake seemed worth it.

     Once I got long hair, I never wanted to give it up again. In the early 80’s I did exchange the long and straight for long and super curly. My beautician convinced me that it would be easier to have Brillo pad tight coils. Then you just washed the hair, picked it out, and let it air dry. What could be easier while raising kids? It looked good but must have be my version of the flat top for my boys. When I came home, one cried and ran to his bedroom saying I wasn’t his mommy anymore.

When my babies were born, I loved their soft swirls of fine hair, and while other mom’s couldn’t wait for their little boys’ first haircut, I dreaded it. I postponed that first clip, enjoying a more European length until they were at least four. When my first grader came home from school one day, he headed for the bathroom to comb his hair. Odd I thought as I fixed his snack. Soon he came out with a beaming smile and new part plastered down with water. “Look, Mom, now I have President Jimmy Carter hair!” And so he did.



Monday, May 22, 2017

Hair Tales, #1

Hair loss with chemo did not rock my boat. I took it well. I just wanted to live, bald or not. My wig was delightful looking I thought. But as hair comes in now, it bothers me. I am not crazy about the color, but I can live with it…or color in time I have left. I don’t like the feel of it, feels fuzzy. But mostly when I look in the mirror I just do not see the me I know.

As a child, I had two modes of hair—ugly and painful. My mother either had my hair cut off into Buster Brown cuts or she did those old Toni perms. Oh, they smelled bad and I had to sit still for so long. But mostly then you had Saturday wash and pin curls which ended up tangled and Mother brushed the heck out of them pulling like each strand was a balking mule in harness. It hurt. In summer it was no choice, the hair was whacked off and horrid, deep seated bangs were chopped. If they were crooked, it was my fault because surely, I moved on the beautician!

When I was in eighth grade, we visited Mom’s cousin in Tulsa who had once done hair. My bangs were long and she offered to trim them. It was time for the summer chop, but dear Pat asked ME what I wanted. I explained I wanted t look like the rest of the 1962 girls. She shaped my bangs so beautifully, trimmed the ends of my almost shoulder length hair, and she rebutted my Mother’s urging for a chop. Pat said let the girl have her hair! So, from that day forward I never had short hair again!

There were times when my hair was midback. Others I kept it shorter but still long and straight like the times. I taught myself to pile it beautifully on top of my head as by high school tall, upswept hair was the rage Long hair cost more to have done at a beauty shop, and I had no money anyway. For my senior pictures, I did it myself and one older woman, a clothes horse and ritzy hair style gal, wanted to know where it was done she liked it so well. She could not believe I had done my own!

My Mother always wore her hair short and shorter, but that is another tale. I dreaded her trips to the beauty shop as she often did not like what they did. She would fume and recomb and be in a bad mood. My Granny told me often that she felt sorry for Mother’s dates with my Dad as he would sit on the couch waiting, waiting, waiting for Mother to stop seething and smoldering in front of a mirror over her uncooperative hair.

Cancer reduces you. It takes organs, hair, strength, cheer, blood health, and the ability to do for yourself. It is nice that people help and I am grateful for all the kindnesses and assistance I have received. Yet, it can often feel like you are a drawing and someone with a strong eraser is removing parts of you one line at a time, eliminating what makes you who you are. It makes you feel diminished, an abridged edition of who you once were.

On Friday my dear friend, Melissa, is going to look at my head and see if she can help me find myself!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

May Mini Trip

It storms and storms! Between rains we are trying to do some fun things, to escape from our truths and pretend life is full time glorious!
Melissa is a friend who used to do my hair and still cuts DH’s hair. I go with him so we can still visit.  This time she wanted a picture and it turned out well. I now have enough hair I might let her see if she can do anything positive with gray fuzz!!!! Maybe this week?

We ran up to see our son and his family this week. They are busy; we are busy, but it all meshed for a few hours of togetherness. We actually dodged rain, wind, and hail, but were not home long yesterday before the sirens went off. Ugly wall cloud hung over town trying to drop a twister. We made it through with nothing and more came at 8 last night. Escaped again. Tomorrow is to be nice so I am already looking forward to Sunday. Maybe the flowers can crawl out from under the tables again!
This is one of the best pictures of our oldest grandson I have ever taken. Our kids don’t do the Olan Mills type thing we did every month when our kids were small. But this is more like a portrait, snapped on their back deck. He is gangly eight and long toothed like eight year olds are. But here, the picture captures his sensitive side and show the charming fellow he can be!

Our son told us about the National Guard Military Museum that is east of Jefferson City. It is small but we found it worth the visit. Love finding these little nuggets of history tucked away in America’s countryside. It happened to hold some of our history as well in that DH worked on designing two of the planes in our early marriage, the F4 and F15.

F15 by McDonnell Douglas
Sherman Tank...great piece except it was overpowered by German tanks that were heavier.
This plate brought to American with German family who was fleeing Nazi Germany. The father later fought with American troops.
This was first recoiling canon...perfected by America. The recoil allow the carriage etc. to stay in place allowing for faster loading and aiming after firing.
We found my printer not working late last night. Do I need to tell you how technology puts me in a spin? Nothing we could do fixed it and again this morning. So, we replaced it. I would pay good money just to NOT have to change a thing. But alas, that is not life. Got to go with it. So now have it working and will hope worst of that tale is over!


F4 Phantom

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Happy Sunday

The rains have ceased until late in the coming week. We have slight water under our house for the first time in eons of time. The ground is just so soaked, it leaches out everywhere. But…sun is out and it has lifted everyone!  Somehow, bright sun seems to be message from God that things will go on one way or another.

The doctors have called and after this week’s biopsy fiasco, they want to meet with us on Thursday for a discussion. I can tell you that I am much more stressed by the thoughts of this than the biopsy.

Meanwhile, the flower fairy friends have been here this weekend. Look at the beauty, and I wish I could send you the sweet fragrance of the peonies. The scent spreads in my kitchen. I always have an ivy geranium each year, but this year did not feel like the hunt and plant. A friend filled this need and I have an ivy geranium once again.
The air is warm enough to have windows open so even lingering in the kitchen, I can hear the tinkling of the fountain. Yes, even after hearing rain, I still like the soothing sound of water falling over rocks.

I have brewed two kinds of tea today, have a book for deck time, feel no pain,  and a friend is stopping on her way through town today. I could ask for no more.

I hope you enjoy a bright day today and look eagerly to a new week.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Biospy, Anyone?

While the deck flowers are huddling under the picnic table and grill for protection and even a little warmth, the indoor plants seem to be thriving on the occasional furnace warmth added to the dampness of monsoon season here. This Cousin Sel plant has leaves the size of saucers right now, and the spray of red trumpets cascading down the pot are a bright spot for sure.

This morning we left in more rain. The skies rained, thundered, and tossed lightning bolts all night long. While we were safe, I was awake thinking of all the people who were flooded, now getting more insult from Mother Nature. It rained all the way to Springfield, and we had allowed more time to get there. (Heard yesterday of someone who spend 8 ½ hours getting from Joplin to St. Louis due to water problems.)

We got to Springfield by 8 am and started the bloodletting procedures and readying for biopsy. Once prepared I waited another hour on whatever. Then they decided to use ultrasound instead of CAT to guide the camera and needles. Ah, then there was a problem. The two guys in the room could not see the lesions well enough. The doctor came in; he couldn’t see the lesions well enough and only route was through a vein that wasn’t worth the risk. He called the oncologist who said if it caused me risk and pain with maybe no good result, cancel the whole thing for now. I should have felt release from that poking, but I didn’t.

By the time we got back to the car I was chilled to the bone. It felt like late November instead of May. We got some breakfast sandwiches and headed home. Hubby was the driver both ways and by time we got home he was so exhausted as he did not sleep well night before either. He slept much of the afternoon; I dozed some.

I am relieved the lesions are so small and can only hope they grown very slowly. But still, it all makes me feel more on a precipice than ever. I am trying so hard to put a good spin on this for now. I know sun is to shine on Friday and the weekend so maybe that will help me get the grip to go forward again. Right now, the cold dampness bores into my spine and joints. I am listless.  I don’t want to move or think. But, oh yes, Miss Scarlett, tomorrow is another day!!!! I am going to fetch the flannel nightgown and get ready for it when it arrives!!!!  



Saturday, April 29, 2017

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Thunder snarls across a sky the color of river gravel this morning. Thick, ashen sheets of heavy rain pour straight down onto ground already soaked from days of earlier rain. Somewhere today, people will face rising water issues. Inside, everyone will feel as grim and dreary as the weather!

Yesterday DH and I used the confinement to share household duties. Nothing gets done these days like it used to. Oh, we keep things straight and picked up, but the corners are dirty and the tabletops have dust so thick you could plant peas! So, we worked on what we could for a few hours. It was far from the deep spring cleaning I used to do, but it does feel better now in this house.

Since it is almost May, I felt like I wanted to put away some of the Easter pastels and reach for summer reds for a while. I wanted some brightness indoors at least. This week I will face a liver biopsy and not sure how I will feel for a while. So, I have something pretty to walk back into again.

Today we could do more I suppose, but we feel listless. We have a grade B movie to kill time with later. Of course, I can always get lost in a book. I have the new Elizabeth Strout book, Anything is Possible. Years ago, when I read her first book, I was not impressed. But then I read Olive Kitteridge, story of a cranky math teacher in a small town. My first read left me wanting; I read it again and loved it. My book club then read it too. You don’t like the main character, but Stroud makes you at least care about her. Have you read this one?  I hope the new one has the same zap.

Thanks to all of you for the continued cards, letters, gifts, and thoughts. Mail time is still special around here. I do appreciate it all as some of the days are falling into such a rut, especially in this rainy season. I hope you readers are staying dry…we must remember this damp coolness in the coming July!!!!  Now I will pour some cinnamon orange tea and curl up with my book….hope you can do the same.

Monday, April 24, 2017

It's Trash Day!

Last week it rained until I felt like a soaked sponge in dirty dishwater. Even the dog did not want to go out! She lingered around with us as we watched movie after movie to escape the roaring gutters and splattered flowers. Then just as the weather started to turn, when sun began to peek around, DH started with bleeding and pain. I found him on the floor of bathroom where he had put himself not able to go forward anymore.

So, we raced to the ER where nothing raced! The doctor leaving duty (we would not see another for three more hours and at our insistence!) said it wasn’t unusual for his kind of surgery. They needed to irrigate the bladder for blood clots. His pain, my pain, exhaustion just made me numb and crazy. Watching less than stellar employees drove me nuts. How I want to fix the world! One nurse just did not seem to know clearly what she was doing. She finally asked me to help hold a tube aloft and I picked up the trash.  I miffed a couple of RNs when I dared to ask questions. When they finally admitted DH,  they were keeping him until they could talk to urologist in the morning, I left the hospital at 1:30 a.m.

Yesterday no doctor ever showed up. Surprise! This morning we wait again, weary of “stuff”. Biscuit has been sad without her Daddy home. But it is Monday and that means trash day! She hears the brakes of the trash truck a block away and looks at me. I know, it is “chase the trash truck day”. I let her out and she runs from one fence corner to the other looking like a streak of saffron butter flowing across the yard, back and forth-back and forth. When she feels like she finally has scared the monster off, she comes to the door with a satisfied look on her face!  If only we could be so fulfilled with so little!

So here we are at Monday’s door again. The sun is out and day is to be a beauty outside before four more days of rain show up this week. Ugh. We wait for a doctor or some info at the hospital. I have a low tire I must attend. I will go to Joplin and help DH wait and wonder. I hope you all have a beautiful Monday with a fresh start for a good week as you chase your own trash trucks!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Week Is Passing

Another week has slipped by, and it felt full because we had lots of appointments to keep. It takes a lot of energy for us to just keep up right now. Double for me, as I feel I am watching a child as I try to keep my DH out of trouble. As I write this, he managed to get on top of the roof to clean out the gutters and he should NOT be up there!!!

It rained this morning and more coming tonight and tomorrow morning. It did pause enough for me to fetch some of the roses before they get beaten off in the hard rains coming. This morning was a gentle rain at least. The blessing of the week was two afternoons of perfect sunshine where we could sit among our spring flowers and green grass with iced tea and maybe a book.

One morning I tackled my writing files. It was a bittersweet job as I tossed much I knew I would never be able to deal with again. I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I had published though and enjoyed looking at what I had achieved. I found the following poem published in 2006 which I had long forgotten. It had been lost in a computer crash, but I had the magazine still. Glad I did not overlook it.

I got news of my biopsy this week. It will be May 3, and I dread it but such is life these days!

This morning I rode along with DH as he went to his haircut. I miss seeing my friend. She did snip at my unruly gray fuzz! It is not long but it was shaggy looking. She leveled some places and trimmed some side pieces that were two different lengths. It feels better so I hope it looks better too!

Garage Sale

Stacks of stuff line the floor down the hall.

How did we actually accumulate it all?

Unmated mittens, woven neck scarves torn.

Christmas toys broken and now piled in a heap:

Curling irons that no longer heat.

A wool plaid coat missing a button or two;

An ugly purse, shoes that don’t match

Thrown on top of the bulging batch

Of leftovers and unnecessary things.

It is rummage; it must be spring!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Sun Isn't Enough

Yesterday DH had his week post op checkup. What a joke. Because ten doctors rotate, we got yet another one who seemed, ah, spacey. Enough said, but nothing could be discussed since none of the reports were back yet! So, after an hour long, tiresome wait in the waiting room, we achieved nothing but making another appointment.

This morning we got up early to head to Springfield for a consult on my last week’s contrast scan. Sun was gorgeous. Grass was a carpet of green. Winter wheat was lush and ankle high. White cattle on green grass was a sight to see, such spring promise.

But it would take more to keep the day hopeful. My news was not good. The cancer has spread, some in liver and you know what that means. The winter’s chemo did not work which was extra sad to think of the wasted time. The options aren’t good but I agreed to be part of a control group which means a biopsy in a couple of weeks. The tissue will go to M.D. Anderson, and no, the percentages are not good. But if I match, there might be a hope in a new medicine they have. If not, I have wasted some time, some hope, and have a hole in my gut. Well, I have already been through worse.

DH took news very hard, but I had to concentrate on the driving since he couldn’t today. It does seem unfair all we have been through lately, but hey, life isn’t fair. I still want to hang on and live until I can’t. Want to see grandkids that have not seen in months; I want to pet my dog as much as I can; want to see New Mexico one more time if possible. Want to be realistic as possible too: like I passed up shopping Charming Charlie’s today for a new purse! 😊 I hope to have some lines to put here a few more times. And yes, I want to see the sun and thank God for it when it is here!

Friday, April 7, 2017

April Not a Fix So Far!

I had so hoped April would be a fix for us around here. Not so. After six weeks of pain and distress for DH which meant the same for me watching and trying to help in my own condition, he finally got some help. He saw a second urologist Monday which was a wonderful man even though he knew he hut DH a great deal as it had to be. Four hours in his office and he wanted surgery right then, but the operating rooms were full! No hospital rooms either so DH had to stay in ER until 3 am.
The next morning, he went to surgery to remove a bladder stone the size of a gold ball blocking the urinary track. I had two-hour contract scan and will go next week for consultation. DH came home yesterday and he returns next week as well. He cannot drive or lift and such, some for a month.  This household is the lame leading the lame! Our son is coming to mow for us tomorrow and anything else needing to be done.

But today the sun shines anyway! After a night of tornadoes nearby and cold, dark rain this week, I am so ready to see the yellow globe! Surely it will help. Then one night I saw the pictures of the gas attacks. I will not comment on the politics of this horror, but I did break down and sob. Wanting so much more for humanity than we are getting right now! Sun is to be perfect and 78 tomorrow so am trying to concentrate on the good.

I did get news this week that one of my poems used on the Kansas Poet Laureate site will be used in an anthology of poems this year. I will admit to this being a happy thing. Each little pat on the head keeps us going, doesn’t it?

Still hoping April will bring goodness for me, mine, you and yours!

                                                             Pictures thanks to Porch Sitting Union of America

Sunday, April 2, 2017

April Showers

                                                         tulip teacups wave
                                                in strong wind waiting to fill
                                                      with rainwater nectar
We are truly into April now and you remember "April Showers Bring May Flowers".
The air is somewhat chilly, but it is the gun barrel gray skies that are hard to bear. There has been rain too and more is scheduled to come. Our week is loaded with doctor appointments so it hard to find something joyous to focus on.
I went to the pharmacy for DH refills--that no doctor has still renewed yet! Nearby was a Lowe's store that was loaded with fresh flowers. Yes, I know too early and I am in not much shape to tote flowers. But like visiting a museum, I wanted to meander through and soak up the sights.
Beautiful petunias were half off and so were some tulips. The petunias can take the yo-yoing of the temperatures. I felt we needed some bright sight on the deck even if we only saw it from the kitchen as we looked out the glass with noses pressed there looking for sun!
Meanwhile I am having fun with Jan Morrill's haiku! Her first one was for spring and today's was asking for color. Tomorrow---dogs.  Check it out and have a good week!

Thursday, March 30, 2017

More Kindness

It is as chilly as winter today and a slow drizzly rain that is reminiscent of beginning snow has fallen all day. The damp chill seems to sink into my bones like honey into warm cornbread! Even Biscuit doesn’t want out, but curls up on our bed trying to wait for a sunnier day.

Last night we went to ER again and this time DH got some temporary relief which some mental relief for me. I never do well in the month of March as S.A.D. wipes me out. This year with cancer and hubby and family issues and the sorrowful state of our country, well, life in general, I was holding my own until yesterday. Then worry about hubby broke me down. I called ER and got a truly kind charge nurse who said, “Bring him in. I can help him.” She did and then the PA, also a kind woman, did blood work that should have been done long before. They gave him pain meds and enough relief until we can see a doctor on Monday. I think we are in for another big life change here. Doesn’t feel fair that our Golden Years are so tarnished! But I am grateful for kindness of these women.

Another strange incident in kindness happened this morning when I went to grocery store. I did not use the riding cart but got myself through the store walking, a feat for me these days. A man smiled at me in line and when I got my stuff to the car, he too had checked out and was parked next to me. He started talking to me about how unkind some people are these days and how a lady in the store made him feel bad. Did I ever have that happen? Ah, yes, and I wondered in the cold drizzle what kind of a come on this was. I said people are upset in general and maybe she had bad day before the store. He said the woman had ruined his day until a kind woman talked to him in the parking lot, thanked me, and wished me a good day ahead. Strange. But I said a little prayer asking God to never let me forget what a kind word does for people, no matter how depressed or sick I get.
So, March is ending now, and I have always like April because it is National Poetry Month. This afternoon Jan Morrill put up a Haiku challenge on her blog page. Oh, what fun this sounds like! I have struggled with haiku as I try to follow the rules and then have had editors correct me, saying I adhere too closely to rules. Hum, I never know what to do. But this is 30 days with new topic for every April day. Surely, I can write a few 17 syllable poems for her page! I have not been able to write at all, but this just might help get the brain working again. I suggest you check her page out at

I hope to see your own lines there during April!!!!
Clip art from

Sunday, March 26, 2017

In the Pink?

Friday night was another difficult night and then in the wee hours of morning a storm with lots of thunder moved through. Biscuit doesn’t like thunder, but she was a trooper and remained quiet in her crate. The whole house waited for storm to be over and that made the coming day even more tiresome.

But I wanted to do something to take my mind off all the difficulties in life. I was tired of sitting and straightened a few things around here. I made a new casserole for lunch and stirred up cookies for the first time in over a year. Oh, folks have brought us cakes and cookies, but we have been trying to leave them alone for health reasons. Ah, yesterday was a big fail because I wanted some of my own chocolate chip cookies. I just use the Toll House recipe, but I use three different kinds of chocolate chips.

Then I changed table top again. I might not be able to climb and clean corners and sweeping floor is often beyond me, but I can change a table cloth and feel like I am in control of some part of my own wonky life! I chose pink, a color I rarely use and it feels like Easter and spring and light and airy! When I was four years old, I loved pink, wanted everything pink. My mom hated pink and loved red. It was a squabble every time I dressed, but I guess I got my fill of pink in the end. Nice to see it again though now.

In the afternoon, I read a book which is also difficult some of these days. I finished A Piece of Time by Christina Kline, and I really enjoyed the book. It is story built around Wyeth’s painting titled “Christina’s World”. I’ve always liked the painting, and my mother-in-law had a print of the painting hanging in her house for years. I recommend the story even if you are not familiar with Wyeth or the painting. I think I will sample more of this author when I can.
                                               Christina's World by A. Wyeth

The day ended and night was better for me; DH still had issues, but I was so tired (and cookie full) that I slept. Now the Sunday morning is bright with sunshine despite more storms coming. I hope to get out on the deck this afternoon to soak up sunshine while I can. March is ending this week, and I hope it takes all the darkness with it—well, as much as it can. Let April bring some lightness and cheer.

Happy Sunday to you!